To Dream. . . .

. . . the Impossible Dream

I think my mom has always liked that song. Every now and then as I was growing up I can remember her bursting into snippets of it. She had to be in a silly mood because, as she will tell you, she does not have the best singing voice. In college I often sang several measures for auditions for the theatre. In hindsight, it's no wonder I got no summer stock work at those auditions.

I wonder at what point in our growing up that dreams become impossible? Is it when all of a sudden we must place reality over them? I do not keep it a secret that I like awards. Trophies, plaques, certificates, pins, titles--any bling of external validation, I love! It wasn't even high school. It was college and a few years beyond that I had the dream of receiving an Oscar, or Golden Globe, or Emmy. I even had my designer picked out--Vera Wang. (Back in the 90s, there was a lot of Vera Wang, but I don't hear much now. And there was another designer, one with a little more edge that I used to like. A one-word designer. And now I can't remember, but it will come to me in the middle of sleep sometime.) Anyway, dreams dreams. That's what I was talking about. Those dreams were so vivid. I knew my dress would be deep purple--not the group--and that I'd take my mom or my friend, David. I could imagine walking down the red carpet, where we'd sit, how I would look surprised when the nominees were announced, and that I would try not to seem too happy when I won. I even had my acceptance speech almost memorized. I still remember parts of it. Dreams, and I could make them real.

So, I've been doing a lot of self-work lately. (You know, I've shared some with you.) I've been making a list of things that I want to include on my Dream Board. And for someone who used to fight over imaginary candy with her sister, and who really imagines that her classroom is a kingdom and she is the queen, this dream board is awfully hard. I've never been a planner. Sometimes that bothers me, other times I'm perfectly ok with it.

As I'm working on this dream board, I'm finding that it is had to actually dream. I don't know if I have let reality take such a firm hold in my mind, that it is hard to imagine. Or it could be that I've grabbed on to the indoctrination that it is selfish and greedy to wish/want/hope for more than I have because I should be thankful for what I have. Even as I am thinking about a house, dreaming about a house that would be mine, I keep it conservative, coming in between $150 and $180,000. There's no use for those dreams to get too big.

Then I stop. I get aggravated with myself. I am extremely thankful for what I have, what I've been able to do, my job, etc. Why is it so very hard to dream for more? To be teacher of the year? To pay off student loan debts? To go to Puerto Rico every year? To have a condo at the beach? To see all of the permanent Cirque du Soleil wherever they may be? (Those last three were a huge breakthrough, I'll tell you.) And I can say them, but visualizing them coming true is very hard. Where is the girl that pictured walking up on stage accepting the award?

I need to keep working on it. Kind of a paradox--to work toward dreaming. Hmmmm. I'll keep you posted. I really want my dream board to be completed before the school year begins, so that means the next two weeks. And I urge all of you to stop and think about your dreams. Some of you have dreams that are coming true right now. But that doesn't mean stop. And there's help out there. There may even be a star right outside your window that will capture you imagination, make the dreams seem not so impossible.