Inspiration, or lack thereof, is an enigma. I had plenty of time this weekend to blog. I even sat down to do it twice. Heck, I have part of a draft for one of those "sessions." Yet nothing. Frustration.
I wrote the check out for my rent, paid a friend for a shirt she ordered for me. Checked my bank account. Fear. Frustration.
Went to see a close friend trying to deal with anxiety, and doing very well on a chaotic day. Fear. Faith.
Waiting for text messages, phone calls, and or Facebook messages to be returned. Fear. Frustration. Faith.
Changed my monthly Xyngular order, actually I'm ordering more, so I have some on hand for samples. Faith.
I've been wrestling with these words a lot lately. Their relationship to one another. How I deal with them, hence their relationship to me. I think we're meant to wrestle with things like this, and maybe never have concrete answers. Faith?
A close friend of mine has told me many times that I "cannot live in both fear and faith." Truthfully, it has always hurt my heart a little bit. As someone who is always questioning and wrestling with my faith to be sure that I am growing and not stagnating, and as someone who not only wants to please my friends/family and hell, even myself, but also wants to live my faith out in the world so that my God be pleased with me, I felt my faith was being questioned, well not questioned, but maybe insinuated that I didn't have faith.
Well, I do, damn-it!
Note, this is not a rampage against the friend who told me this, but a slow revelation of the journey discovering what it truly means. I cannot live in both fear and faith. Having said that, for the past couple of hours, I've turned to the internet to explore what psychologists, scholars, theologians, and normal everyday people have said about it. (The research bug hits very hard sometimes.) I don't mean to disappoint, but it is impossible to fully explore this in this one blog post, and maybe even ever. In fact, researching this has led to other questions, the relationship of frustration and fear, anger and fear, fear of scarcity, fear and the family of origin, and finally fear and love and the true nature of God. I may need to take a sabbatical to complete this. (Oooooo, there's an idea. Beginning my letter to Mr. Smith and the District Office right now.)
The surface, cursory answer that I found this morning when I was skipping church--I wonder how that ties in? O.o (face courtesy of one of my "fake sons," who does tie in a bit, in a weird way.) Anyway. . . . In a recovery discussion forum, I found this quote: "'Faith is the courage that allows us to walk through the fear' and further explained that as I walk through the fear my faith deepens." Isn’t it amazing what we can find when we Google? I could go on a long tangent here, but I won’t. As I said before, “Anyway . . . .” This did it for me. It made me understand what my sensitive nature would have written off as a condemnation of my lack of faith. Instead it is a rally cry, encouraging me to continue on, even though my fear may be stopping me. It was in defense of my faith—that I wrongly thought was being questioned—that I began the whole “fear and frustration” line of research. That is what I cannot answer today, “What is the difference between fear and frustration?” It has given me a topic for my therapy session tomorrow. So I will go armed with a list of things that I can currently identify as what I fear.
- my business not growing
- unanswered texts/messages and why
- disappointing my family and friends
- running out of money
- not knowing what I'm doing/being wrong
- making wrong decisions
- being lonely
I can tell you two things after looking at that list: items 2-7 have been on my list for a long time, and item 1 has reawakened/caused me to look at items 2-7 in a new light. (I think my therapist will be giddy with new therapeutic windows to open!) And I also plan to discuss with her the relationship and/or differences of fear and frustration. She'll be able to help me untangle what I truly fear from what frustrates me, if indeed there is a difference. (Oh my God, I'm talking in circles! I must stop!)
But in the time since I began this post, I've thought of many more topics that I can write about--all, in one way or another, tying into this journey!
- Salads, like sandwiches, are better when someone else makes them
- The frustrations of cleaning
- Celebrating friends' successes
- A Xyngular Wordle
- And others that have already flown from my mind
Have a great week, everyone!
I leave you with a photo a friend of mine posted on Facebook that really made me think . . .
. . . and it may be a tie-in for this post as well.
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