Feeling a bit under the weather. . .

. . . but going to do a quick post any way.

I need to go to bed. I have a full day of registration at school tomorrow. 6th graders. They are soooo little when they come in. I kind of want to squish them. But I don't tell them that. Hahaha. I'm more of an older kid teacher. I love 7th graders because they all have lost their minds due to hormones. And they pretty much get their minds back once they are 8th graders (only to lose it again in 9th grade). I do love 8th graders the most. However, my 6th graders last year grew on me. They were so eager to please and would do whatever silly dramatic game I came up with. Their creativity was not stifled yet by peer pressure or the message to "grow up." So the urge to squish grew slight by the end of the year. I cannot wait to see them, now that they are 7th graders. As a non-parent child nurtured, seeing the students develop throughout their 3 years of middle school will be one of the best things about teaching an exploratory class, rather than a core subject.

Don't tell my colleagues, but I get excited for school to start. Don't get me wrong, I was counting down the days in May and early June. But after vacations and down time, a business trip and some professional development, I'm ready for a new start. Each new class each new year gives me the chance to do things better than I did the previous year. I can teach a little better, grow a little more, practice a little more patience, and reach a whole new set of students. And though hours are spent in "nuts and bolts" meetings, and assessment planning, etc., it doesn't diminish the excitement that comes with the first day of school. And even though I had 2 in early June, I am expecting to have at least 2 more "back to school, I'm not ready, I missed the first day, I'm in the wrong room, the kids hate me" dreams. Those little bonuses my subconscious gifts me with to let me know that I have more anxiety than what I'm feeling already.

And let's face it. I'm no good at putting myself in schedule. Case in point, it is 1:00 a.m. August 5, and I'm writing August 4's post. Going back to school forces me into a schedule. And it will take a little bit to get used to. But I find I don't forget to eat during the school day. I use my time off more wisely. And I rarely stay up past 12, and in fact try to get to bed at 10, so I can get 8 hours of sleep in.

So, you won't find me mourning the passing of summer on FB, unless I'm playing around or grouchy because I have to get out of bed before noon.  It's a new start. A new year. With some new and some old students. I await it with smiles, a little anxiety, and extreme hope to make a difference in lives this year.

(I hope I was not too incoherent because this medicine is kicking my behind!) Goodnight, friends!

A Continuation of Yesterday's Post. . .

. . . Sort of. . . .

It was an interesting afternoon today. Friends and I, fellow Xyngular independent distributors, set out to break the confines of our comfort zone. It was actually an interesting thing. Across the US and Puerto Rico today, during the same three hours, distributors went into malls, stores, strip malls, etc. to tell people about what we have found in Xyngular, to introduce them, to educate them a little bit.

This is a frightening thing. Going up to perfect strangers and asking to tell them about something wonderful. Now just reading that, it does not sound daunting. I mean, who wouldn't want to hear about something wonderful, even if it were from perfect strangers. It was frightening, though. As my friends and I discussed it over lunch, each of us, at one time or another, expressed that we were fearful or anxious about our day's plan. This started me thinking. (Oh no, right? All of this is absolutely wrapped up in the dreams post from last night.) I started wondering about fear. How is it that we acquire our fears? Where in the evolution of the human experience, mind, spirit did fear grab such a hold of us? I'm not talking fight or flight kind of fear. I'm talking fear of failure. Fear of looking silly. Fear of what Sally-Bobby-Billy-Sue will think of us.

"Fear is static that keeps me from hearing myself."
 --Samuel Butler

Do you know how much static that is fear fills my head every day? A LOT! Better yet, do you know how much of your head is filled with that static? We've all heard static from radios before. Every now and then it seems as if a station is coming in clearly. I can even make out a couple of words, and I think it will make sense. And then I lose it again. And it is unintelligible again. And that's how it is with fear. It kind of bubbles around in my head. And when I think I can understand and name it, it goes out of focus again and eludes me.

A certain amount of fear if helpful, and keeps us safe. But if we aren't careful, if I'm not careful, fear can cause paralysis, resulting in inaction. So how do we conquer these fears? I don't have the answer. I'm really asking here.

Part of our exercise today to was about stepping out of our comfort zone and facing those fears. It can be quite a rush to do this. It was. As I talked to people in the food court of the mall, telling them briefly about my success, what Xyngular has done for me, what it can do for them, I grew bolder and bolder with each smile from a stranger, each nod, each expression of gratitude. Now, I did not run into anyone that said no, or did not want to hear. I did have to hear from an irate woman in the parking lot about an $1800 paint and how important that was to her. And I faced her and smiled and thanked her. (Then I kind of threw up in my mouth a little, hahaha.) I hate it when people, even strangers, are angry at me.

I am proud of our little group four today. We did fight our fears. Do some still exist surrounding this venue? Heck yeah. But if we keep fighting the static, or better yet focus on and tune in to that static to truly understand it, the fears that are irrational, or the ones that are not serving a purpose to help us survive will eventually silenced.

So I don't have any answers. Only experiences and thoughts, and the hope that maybe we can understand that we're not alone in all of this.

To Dream. . . .

. . . the Impossible Dream

I think my mom has always liked that song. Every now and then as I was growing up I can remember her bursting into snippets of it. She had to be in a silly mood because, as she will tell you, she does not have the best singing voice. In college I often sang several measures for auditions for the theatre. In hindsight, it's no wonder I got no summer stock work at those auditions.

I wonder at what point in our growing up that dreams become impossible? Is it when all of a sudden we must place reality over them? I do not keep it a secret that I like awards. Trophies, plaques, certificates, pins, titles--any bling of external validation, I love! It wasn't even high school. It was college and a few years beyond that I had the dream of receiving an Oscar, or Golden Globe, or Emmy. I even had my designer picked out--Vera Wang. (Back in the 90s, there was a lot of Vera Wang, but I don't hear much now. And there was another designer, one with a little more edge that I used to like. A one-word designer. And now I can't remember, but it will come to me in the middle of sleep sometime.) Anyway, dreams dreams. That's what I was talking about. Those dreams were so vivid. I knew my dress would be deep purple--not the group--and that I'd take my mom or my friend, David. I could imagine walking down the red carpet, where we'd sit, how I would look surprised when the nominees were announced, and that I would try not to seem too happy when I won. I even had my acceptance speech almost memorized. I still remember parts of it. Dreams, and I could make them real.

So, I've been doing a lot of self-work lately. (You know, I've shared some with you.) I've been making a list of things that I want to include on my Dream Board. And for someone who used to fight over imaginary candy with her sister, and who really imagines that her classroom is a kingdom and she is the queen, this dream board is awfully hard. I've never been a planner. Sometimes that bothers me, other times I'm perfectly ok with it.

As I'm working on this dream board, I'm finding that it is had to actually dream. I don't know if I have let reality take such a firm hold in my mind, that it is hard to imagine. Or it could be that I've grabbed on to the indoctrination that it is selfish and greedy to wish/want/hope for more than I have because I should be thankful for what I have. Even as I am thinking about a house, dreaming about a house that would be mine, I keep it conservative, coming in between $150 and $180,000. There's no use for those dreams to get too big.

Then I stop. I get aggravated with myself. I am extremely thankful for what I have, what I've been able to do, my job, etc. Why is it so very hard to dream for more? To be teacher of the year? To pay off student loan debts? To go to Puerto Rico every year? To have a condo at the beach? To see all of the permanent Cirque du Soleil wherever they may be? (Those last three were a huge breakthrough, I'll tell you.) And I can say them, but visualizing them coming true is very hard. Where is the girl that pictured walking up on stage accepting the award?

I need to keep working on it. Kind of a paradox--to work toward dreaming. Hmmmm. I'll keep you posted. I really want my dream board to be completed before the school year begins, so that means the next two weeks. And I urge all of you to stop and think about your dreams. Some of you have dreams that are coming true right now. But that doesn't mean stop. And there's help out there. There may even be a star right outside your window that will capture you imagination, make the dreams seem not so impossible.

Wait. What's that? Oh. . . .

The sky is not falling.

Yes, friends of Chicken Little or Henny Penny, the sky is definitely not falling. It was only an acorn.

(Raising my right hand) I, Debb Adams, do have Chicken Little tendencies. It seems to tick off the best of my friends and provides plenty of material for therapy sessions. I can no longer deny it.

Here's a list of my top thoughts:

1. A lesson or class period does not go well. Thought: This semester will suck. I'll start off better next year.
2. I break down and have a milkshake. Thought: Crap, I'm going to gain all 50 pounds that I lost.
3. I did not make the 200 points that I needed today to keep on track for the rank I am shooting for. Thought: I can't do this. I suck.
4. I make a mistake subtracting while working on my bank account. Thought: I will forever be broke. How could I do something so stupid?
5. I forget to blog. Thought: I cannot keep up with anything. Why do I try?

I realize that I am so much harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I also realize that a lot of people are like that. I have not cornered the market on self negativism. Therefore I will not wallow in the knowledge that this is one of my less desirable traits. The best thing to do is to realize it and try to fix it. I know most of it comes that part of me that is the critic and the perfectionist. There are probably other selves tied up in there, too.

I don't know what it is in the make up of some of us that assumes when one thing is not going the right way the rest of the world will come falling down around our head, especially when time has proven that it won't fall. 

So, as the sun sets (Well, it set about 5 hours ago, but go with me.) on the first day of the month, let's keep striving for those goals, do what we need to do to reach them, and not worry if we're off the first day. And, when in doubt, cover ourselves in affirmations and support from friends. Then when we feel pieces of the sky falling around us, we'll have a little bit of protection.

(And yes, I was talking to myself, as well!)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. . . .

Turn and face the stranger. . . . 

There, now everyone should have David Bowie singing in your head now. Pause for a second. I haven't listened to Bowie in yeeeears.

Ok, I'm back.

Yeah, guys, change is hard--even if you are someone that doesn't mind change. (Which, I am finding that that is not me!)

A friend of mine, learned from her friend, who will be mentoring me in the Xyngular business that "90 days can change your life!" Anyone who wants to make some improvements or positive changes in his/her life will think that sounds amazing. I agree. I also think it is frightening as hell! You know my tendency to over think things:
What if my life is exactly the way God wants it to be?
What if the changes I make are the wrong ones?
What if it works for everyone else, but not me?
What if I make the changes and find that I am not as happy?
What if. . .
What if. . .
What if. . .

Yesterday, I thought, no, I knew I could do whatever I dreamed. Whatever I set my sight on. Whatever I planned to do.

Today, not so much. In less than 24 hours, I talked myself out of all of the courage, optimism, positivity, and moxie that I wore like a badge yesterday. What a roller coaster!

I wonder what it is in the psyche of some of us that makes us sabotage ourselves. Yesterday I was going to knock over any obstacle that stood in my way. Today I am shattered by self doubt, self consciousness, and the blahhhhhs. (Good gracious, my therapist will ear her fee tomorrow!)

I know that I am not the only one that experiences this. I may be one of the only ones that is openly sharing it in such a forum. But, it will give you something else to watch in me. Some of you have signed on to watch me lose weight. Some to see how I can build a thriving business. Some because every now and then I bury of comedy in the lines of the post. Now, some of you can watch as I work on myself and my self confidence, awareness, etc.

So, it seems my blog is a one stop shop for some of you! I hope everyone has a great night!

Dropping habits. . . .

. . . .is easier than kicking them!

90 days can change my life. 90 days can change my life. That will be my mantra for the next 90 days. And, gentle readers (haha--the only time I channel Miss Manners), I need to make a change. But, is that not a big part of changing--realizing I need and being willing to change? So, to quote many sitcoms and memes on Facebook, I'm going to pull up my big girl panties and get to changing.

Change 1--get back into the blogosphere! Boy, when I allowed myself to go from posting every day, to posting on specific days, to posting when there was something major to post, I fell off into nothing-ness. So, I declare, I am going to begin posting daily again, even if it's a little post.

And the videos? Where did they go? I haven't made more, but more are coming. To help my teammates on their 8-Day Ignite Cycles, I plan to video myself taking supplements, fixing meals/snacks/shakes, for the cycle. It'll be fun. And it means I'll be wearing make-up 8 days in a row.

Exercise--yoga yoga yoga--so beneficial for the mind, body, and spirit. I need to add more, though. Weekly yoga, and the exercise suggested by our Product Development Manager, whom I will be working with closely to shrink this belly.

So habits, dropped too easily, picked back up, other habits to cultivate.

And the business. It is time for me to think of myself as a business woman, to stop apologizing for it, and to think positively about it. It is time to break from that comfort of the laptop and iPad and talk to more people face-to-face. Peter Griscom, our Product Development Manager has a goal to change 1,000,000 lives. It's time for me to do my part in helping him reach his goal. I feel so much better, and I want everyone to feel the way I do.

However, I've been experimenting this summer. I've gone without supplements some weeks, while eating healthy. I've taken supplements and ate crazily. I've gone without supplements and have eaten crazily. All of this to see what results I would get, so I can discuss with facts and stats when people have questions. An unexpected outcome of this is the ankle pain that had cleared up has come back. So, I'll call the doctor to take care of it, and never go without my Global Juice and Xypstix again. (Probably not a great idea to experiment, but I've learned my lesson. After all, Global Juice is a wellness product, not a weight loss product. OK, so I didn't think everything out all the way.)

So, faithful readers--hold me accountable! Special shout out to Kelly who asked if I had written any posts lately. It was the nudge I needed. Thanks, Kell!

This will not just be. . . .

. . . . something I try for awhile and give up!

Do y'all remember when I first started this blog? Every day. Every single day for a couple of months I posted. Some were really well-written, quality posts, and some, well, some just sucked. But I made the effort. And life happened, and the posts went to a couple a week, once a week, and then stopped. It doesn't mean I quit thinking about my blog and what I'd share with you. Well, it's time to pick it up again.

I still plan to be absolutely truthful--remember full disclosure--with regard to the journey I am on, the paths I'm taking the smooth ways and rocky paths. That remains true. Though I haven't been writing, I have not stopped working on myself. I plan to share, not only the weight loss and health and wellness journey, but other parts of the journey, too. I've recently begun practicing yoga; I'm learning about myself with regard to habits, goal setting, and what I need to do to be a more successful me. I'm sad to report that the business-end of my Xyngular journey has not taken off yet as I wanted it to. I'm not quitting. I'm not expecting overnight success. I did expect to be further along. Much of the study and work I am doing on myself will help me my business endeavors.

I've got about a month left before I go back to school, and believe it or not, the structure of being back may be good for me. Yes, I, who hate being structured and routinized, am admitting the structure will be good for me.

So, to end for the night, I'm just going to list some of the things running through my head. Some may become future posts. Some may make you laugh. All have come straight from my mind, uncensored--I've bound and gagged my inner critic for the next ten minutes. Here goes:

1. I can't believe that after a 16 day vacation and returning to do an 8-day, I lost all 10 pounds, plus 2 more.
2. If you put a bag of Doritos in front of me, I will eat them, and eat them, and eat them. . . .
3. I worry when I talk to people about Xyngular that they will think I'm preying on them.
4. I'm consciously working on #3.
5. People have countered that once on Xyngular, they are afraid they will not be able to maintain and will have to be on it the rest of their lives. I'm experimenting to prove them wrong.
6. Although I am doing #5, I am no in no way ready to maintain. 
7. After yoga my hamstrings kill me in such a good way that I can't wait to do it again. Also, more than my body feels good after yoga.
8. Why aren't more people doing yoga?
9. Last yoga one, I promise: One of my goals is to do aerial/swing yoga at the studio where I go. It looks like so much fun. (Pink Lotus Yoga Center rocks!)
10. I don't feel as good when I'm not taking my supplements. It is more than weight loss!! I promise. :)
11. I am tired of renting; I want a house. My goal is the end of May when my lease runs out.
12. I MUST create my dream-board this week. I can't decide if I want to do it digitally or actually cut pictures, letters, etc. out of magazines--you know, old school collage.
13. I'm very excited and nervous to go to Vegas for Xyngfest in a couple of weeks.
14. I need to read some books on directing plays before I go back to school.
15. Sometimes I feel like I'm proverbially "spinning my wheels."
16. I think this enough for one night.
17. I leave you with a video from Puerto Rico. Why it is called Crash Boat Beach--I loved to watch this! 

OK, so it may not be any wow factor! I love it! :)